The Emptiest of Feelings...

... disappointed people clinging on to bottles, and when it comes it's so so disappointing. Let down and hanging around, crushed like a bug in the ground.

You know, I've been thinking a lot lately about the future about, just... a lot of stuff... and the conclusion that I have arrived to: I have no idea why I am here, right now.

I've been thinking about school a lot, my major, for example. I currently am in New College, which is the program here at UA where I can design and integrate different studies to make my own major. My current major in New College is Web and Graphic Design and Photography in Advertising. As I have been thinking about it, I really dont think that it is for me. So i'm currently trying to figure out what it should be now. I was trying to come up with something that would maybe deal with linguistics and other languages.... but oh wait, that's right, I just failed a test and a quiz (on the same day) in my Japanese class. So that's not going to work. I was thinking about dropping New College altogether; I havent really found my niche in there for many reasons. The only problem with dropping is that since I had to be interviewed and had to apply is that I would feel as though all that I did to get in would just be wasted.

I've been praying a lot for God's will to be revealed so that I will know what direction He wants me to go in, but as for now I just feel lost.

The more this uncertainty goes on, the more I want to just stop and take a break from school. It just doesnt seem fair to my parents. My parents have sacrificed a lot for me to go to college, to school in general as it is. I just dont want to be leading them on in any way. So now I dont know if I cant figure out what to do if I should just go back to memphis and study or work there before coming back... or just staying there for good.

Also, I have a hard time figuring out where I stand when it comes to friendship with a lot of people. I've just never been good at that. And well, the thoughts in my head have come to "if I really wasnt here, would it really matter? would they care?"

yeah just me and my depressive thoughts...

I've Been Bleeding Well...

...from this old wound; cleaning it with salt, so it will still feel new.

[the following post is very emo, if you have no desire to know what's on my mind, do not read further.]

Well, pledging finally ended, I was initiated into ΛΣΦ this past Sunday. For those of you who havent been up to date and informed on JP College History, I have been pledging a Christian Fraternity here at UA, Lambda Sigma Phi.

Today has been a pretty sucky day. It seems that my grades are really starting to drop and I really dont know what to do about it. It seems as though i've gotten to a point where I've missed so many crucial days that I'm pretty much helpless trying to catch up. I might as well be in a deep, ominous well of college, trying to scrape myself up with no firm foundation. My Japanese teacher gave me back a quiz and told me to retake it, she pretty much told me that I did a horrendous job on it. And in all seriousness, these past couple of weeks, I have really been asking myself if I really have the ability to do any of this. I think I may be incapable of it all... school, friends, everything. I just suck.

I also had some issues the other day with my "yes meaning yes" and "my no meaning no". Apparently, I am that hard to believe that when I say I didnt do something, people just dont believe me.That whole thing was settled today, which makes me happy, because I didnt want this person to be mad at me. I dont really have that close of friends here at UA and I thought that I might finally have a few close friends now that I've been hanging around on a more personal level with some of my pledge brothers.

This settled fiasco leads me to wonder what people really think of me. It reminds me of an answer to one of the personal quizes I made... only 1 out of the 20 or so people who have taken that quiz have gotten the answer right to the last question. The answer is that I am always here for my friends, but apparently no one believes that, no one can see the love for my friends. How is that supposed to make me feel? Well, I'll tell you what I do feel, it makes me feel absolutely useless. What good am I if the people I love don't even know it. It's my fault because I'm obviously doing something wrong.

what can I possibly do to make you guys see?

i dont know...