The Emptiest of Feelings...

... disappointed people clinging on to bottles, and when it comes it's so so disappointing. Let down and hanging around, crushed like a bug in the ground.

You know, I've been thinking a lot lately about the future about, just... a lot of stuff... and the conclusion that I have arrived to: I have no idea why I am here, right now.

I've been thinking about school a lot, my major, for example. I currently am in New College, which is the program here at UA where I can design and integrate different studies to make my own major. My current major in New College is Web and Graphic Design and Photography in Advertising. As I have been thinking about it, I really dont think that it is for me. So i'm currently trying to figure out what it should be now. I was trying to come up with something that would maybe deal with linguistics and other languages.... but oh wait, that's right, I just failed a test and a quiz (on the same day) in my Japanese class. So that's not going to work. I was thinking about dropping New College altogether; I havent really found my niche in there for many reasons. The only problem with dropping is that since I had to be interviewed and had to apply is that I would feel as though all that I did to get in would just be wasted.

I've been praying a lot for God's will to be revealed so that I will know what direction He wants me to go in, but as for now I just feel lost.

The more this uncertainty goes on, the more I want to just stop and take a break from school. It just doesnt seem fair to my parents. My parents have sacrificed a lot for me to go to college, to school in general as it is. I just dont want to be leading them on in any way. So now I dont know if I cant figure out what to do if I should just go back to memphis and study or work there before coming back... or just staying there for good.

Also, I have a hard time figuring out where I stand when it comes to friendship with a lot of people. I've just never been good at that. And well, the thoughts in my head have come to "if I really wasnt here, would it really matter? would they care?"

yeah just me and my depressive thoughts...

I've Been Bleeding Well...

...from this old wound; cleaning it with salt, so it will still feel new.

[the following post is very emo, if you have no desire to know what's on my mind, do not read further.]

Well, pledging finally ended, I was initiated into ΛΣΦ this past Sunday. For those of you who havent been up to date and informed on JP College History, I have been pledging a Christian Fraternity here at UA, Lambda Sigma Phi.

Today has been a pretty sucky day. It seems that my grades are really starting to drop and I really dont know what to do about it. It seems as though i've gotten to a point where I've missed so many crucial days that I'm pretty much helpless trying to catch up. I might as well be in a deep, ominous well of college, trying to scrape myself up with no firm foundation. My Japanese teacher gave me back a quiz and told me to retake it, she pretty much told me that I did a horrendous job on it. And in all seriousness, these past couple of weeks, I have really been asking myself if I really have the ability to do any of this. I think I may be incapable of it all... school, friends, everything. I just suck.

I also had some issues the other day with my "yes meaning yes" and "my no meaning no". Apparently, I am that hard to believe that when I say I didnt do something, people just dont believe me.That whole thing was settled today, which makes me happy, because I didnt want this person to be mad at me. I dont really have that close of friends here at UA and I thought that I might finally have a few close friends now that I've been hanging around on a more personal level with some of my pledge brothers.

This settled fiasco leads me to wonder what people really think of me. It reminds me of an answer to one of the personal quizes I made... only 1 out of the 20 or so people who have taken that quiz have gotten the answer right to the last question. The answer is that I am always here for my friends, but apparently no one believes that, no one can see the love for my friends. How is that supposed to make me feel? Well, I'll tell you what I do feel, it makes me feel absolutely useless. What good am I if the people I love don't even know it. It's my fault because I'm obviously doing something wrong.

what can I possibly do to make you guys see?

i dont know...

I Tried My Best to Leave...

... All of this on your machine but the persistent beat it sounded thin upon listening, that frankly will not fly. you will hear the shrillest highs and lowest lows with the windows down when this is guiding you home.

Well let's see.... a lot has happened in the past week.

Amanda, Emily, and Cole visited me down here at UA. It was a lot of fun and I'm really glad they did. It really reminded about home, about how things were... and I really missed it. It's weird not having them around and I wish they could have stayed longer.

I gave Amanda a grand tour while Emily went to interview someone (Cole hadnt arrived yet). I showed them my frat house, and we went to the Crimson Cafe for awhile, met up with Jordan and went to Capitol Park. We were invited to go watch The Exorcism of Emily Rose... we did and got completely freaked it out. ... I dont really want to watch any more scary movies for a while now...

The next day, we met up at the ferg for lunch and said our goodbye's... I was actually kinda sad, I really missed them, I mean they are pretty much my best friends from memphis. They got to meet some of the people here, like Joel... i mean Joey hung out with us while they were here.

This past week, I've been working for Homecoming on the Gamma Phi Beta pomp, I worked on it FOR-E-VER... I'm pretty sure I never want to work on that thing again.

Currently the homecoming events are going on... I went and saw the bonfire which was cool, I stood around for awhile not really being able to hear a speech and waited for Better than Ezra to get on stage. I left to move my car and got back and... I was so bored, Better than Ezra either sucks or I'm just not really in the BtE mood.

Well I am at the moment just playing around the internet and Photoshop... and I'm actually having much more fun. lol

well anyways.................. the laundry calls...

All day and all night...

... I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath, I say to myself, I need fuel to take flight.

Oh, monday, another monday after what seems to be an everlasting weekend. This weekend felt so strange, no one was in town, everything felt so barren. A lot of people went to the game, while some others just went home. Only a handful of us were actually at the house.
We hung out a lot with Claire because she's interning at a place in b-ham. Joey, Sedric, Claire, and I went to the Fresh Food company which was really good... VERY good in fact. The chicken... and the dessert... mmmm it was very good. Then we pretty much did nothing...

Later, several of us went and hung out at the quad... good times ... good times...

The next day we had a 5k run to work at a church near by, at 7 oclock in the morning! i do not like that time of day, especially on a saturday... However, I stood at the 1 mile marker calling out times.

This was followed by much sleeping, and in my dreams were much rejoicing because I got to sleep. :)

mmm... I went to TCAT on Sunday morning, I met two interesting girls who really wanted me to go again that night. Well, I told them that I "might" go... but i ended up not going...

It wasnt a total waste of weekend.... but the reason why will stay in my head.

Days like this...

... I don't know what to do with myself, all day and all night.

Ah, another week over... everyone's pretty much gone because it's an away game, so everyone went back home or went to the Oxford game. It'll be a slow weekend, but that's what I want it to be; at this moment, I feel as though i'm about to reach my energy max. I really need a time where I can rest and release this angst and feeling of exaustion.

I could really use a nap, especially since I should be helping out tomorrow morning at this 5K run. Make note that I'm not going to run the 5K, i'll be working there for service stuff. ...not like I have anything else better to do. That's pretty much only reasoning for this. eh... I am just so tired, there's nothing going on. I've talked to a lot of the people around me and they seem to feeling the same way; seems to be a general feeling of tiredness going all-around, not too mention sickness. I've been sick for awhile, but I'm starting to be able to breathe a lot easier now, so things are going much better than they were before, the only think at the moment is coughing, that can be pretty bad when walking to class. haha, at one point I started coughing so bad on my way from class that people started staring at me. (thanks for stopping and asking if I was alright, jerks...)

Oh well, at times I feel as though I am the only one who really shows tries to show that they care. I usually go out of my way for people and then people never tend to do the same for me. But dont think that I'm selfish, when I do that I'm really not looking for anything in return, I just wish they would express caring a little more straight-forward.

--I'm rambling, i'll be writing later, I'm sure... It's not like i'm busy.

These Words are My Own...

...from my heart flow.

To say the least, it's been a busy weekend. I had the pledge retreat this weekend, which was an amazing experience. It's pretty much what I expected and then some... I mean, I knew that it was going to bring us much closer together than we already were, but it was really cool and we were able to really get more personal with everyone.

I'm really proud of everyone in my pledge class and I am extremely proud to call them my brothers. They are so strong and unyielding in their faith; they walk with the Lord and proclaim His truth. I may not be the strongest one or even the most popular of them, however I want to do my best to be there for them and if need be protect them with whatever I got.

The retreat really helped me appreciate each one, they may all be different but we have clicked so very well.

So all-in-all, it was a great trip, despite be stranded on the island for 2+ more hours than everyone else (which really wasn't that bad at all).

What was left of my weekend, consisted of resting and downloading random songs and videos.


Here's a picture from a swap with Delta Zeta (DZ) (Brian, Brannigan, Me, Kathleen, [], Amanda)

Extraordinary...

Machine

Hah, and you thought that I would not write till another month right? No, this is where you are wrong.

Remember when I said yesterday that I feel sick? Yeah, well, today I feel miserable. I wake up today realizing that I have already missed my first class, so I got out my bed to another dose of Nyquil and went back to bed. I didn’t wake up till about another hour and a half. I knew it was time to wake up, so I got up and took a shower. Once I got out I realized that my stomach was hurting, this was followed by a slow, painful torture. Uneasiness went through my body, I could feel it rise and rise… I hate that feeling, the goose bumps that precede it serve as a dark omen; that feeling, that undeniably horrible feeling… throwing up. Well, I didn’t actually throw up, though twice I came really close to it. I crouched near the toilet basin for a few minutes until I knew that it has passed.

I feel miserable.

And it sucks too, because I have a swap tonight, and I know that I’m going to look awesome carrying around a tissue box, that’ll really win the ladies over. Heh…

I pray that I’ll feel better before Friday rolls around, we have the pledge retreat which, I must say, I am thoroughly excited about. So, I don’t want to feel bad during the pledge retreat, it would make the experience pretty sucky.

Hmmm, after study hall, I’m probably going to go to Publix and buy a French bread, it’ll probably be all I eat today.

Oh, and on this day, let’s not forget that Fiona Apple’s “Extraordinary Machine”, comes out today, I HAVE to go buy it!

Harder, Better...

...Faster, Stronger

It certainly has been awhile since I have written, and now that I have my laptop (I can now be on the computer wherever I go). Another thing that inspired me to write is the fact that I’m sick… the sinus pressure that I’m dealing with is really sucky. I was walking to my Japanese class, when I decided that there is no reason why I should go – I feel like crap, so in college that means no Japanese class today.

Well I do believe that the college life has really kept me from writing as well… I mean the last entry was about the 24 hour party. … Yeah, I really got to get on this… so this will be the quickest recap… EVER.

::The Recap::
Ok, I was living in Parker – Adams for the first day, that night I was invited to go to a fraternity party, they told me it was a Christian fraternity, so I thought – why not! Well, it ends up we were late… really late. As in no one was there except for the people who lived in the house. Well anyways, we just sat in the house talking to the people who lived there, two hours later Tim Milner, the president, asked me if I’d like to live in the house….

Two days later, I’m moved out of Parker-Adams and into the house. So, now, I’m a pledge of ΛΣΦ (Lambda Sigma Phi). I really believe this was all apart of God’s plan, Things just seemed to fit in together so nicely, how seamlessly things happened. I remember praying for God to fit me in with the right people and so I do believe this is where he wants me to be.

This experience has been amazing, and I thank God everyday for it. My pledge class of 23 is awesome some of the nicest and funniest people I have met. There is a reason for everything, so I want to learn as much as I can from them. For example this weekend we have the pledge retreat and I can’t wait, I think it’s going to be mind blowing.

But anyways, as for school, things are going great, I love my Japanese class. (too bad I missed it today but…). My English class is also cool, it’s taught by a graduate student who is from Germany. It’s a really awesome and relaxed class. (but I love English so… it probably would have been fine no matter what. \

Well anyways, I hope to write more now with my new laptop. But as for now I’m going to go rip out my sinus’s so that I either bleed to death or can finally breathe… whichever comes first.

I know we're...

cool.

This might just be a huge post... soo i'm going to break it up into title's so you can tell what i'm talking about.

Will's Surprise B-Day Party

ok, I dont know how I forgot to write about this, but unfortunately i did, which means I'm going to have to recall some stuff. Will's Bday party was on wednesday, which was 2 day before his real birthday (the 12). Emily Templeton and I got him his own personal Mr.Gordo. (That would be a Buffy, thing if you didn't know.) There were a TON of people there, from people who are normally at a Raines' party to people Will said he thought he would never see again. He said he didnt know anything about it. So it was def. a big hit. Emily T, Megan, and I def. took over the theatre, a.k.a. the world, and watched Buffy. Anyway, Will actually got me a gift when he went down to Florida.


(you can click on it to make it bigger)

You probably don't know, so I will tell you, Nerf Herder is the band that does the main theme song to Buffy -- Which makes this key chain completely awesome. so again, Thanks, Will!


24 Hour Safari

Ah, the madness that was the 24 hour party.
Well, Cole, Emily Duggan, and I were the heads of this party, this amazing idea, this none-stop joy ride. It surprising turned out better than expected; everyone was having fun practically all of the time. So let me tell you what happened that night.... eerrr... and day

First we started with eating dinner at 6:30pm at San Francisco Bread co. We used to eat there for our off-campus lunch sometimes.
After that (7:30 ish), we went to MacCalister's for some Celebratory Tea.
I left at 8 with Will Raines and Haley Hannah, to try and get something to work by the time everyone came over to my house. I missed the rest of tea and Emily Chamber's house so I dont really know what happened there.
At 9:45 ish, people came to my house to watch Hobb's End... (a serious horror movie, but it's SO bad that we made it into a comedy.) They bought it for me at my surprise party on my last birthday.
It was then about 12:15ish a.m. by the time we left for Graceland Too. This was my second time, and it wasnt really as scary because we had about 10,000 people there. But it was def. stranger... he said so many off-color things, that it was just bad. Talking about how horny he gets and whatever it was just bad. Then of course we had some horrible questions coming from people, that were either just harsh, pointed questions or they were just those that were stupid. For example Amanda goes, "So can we see your guns? the ones you were talking about earlier?" and he def. pulled a gun out of his pocket. Yeah, talk about getting uneasy. However, before we got to the room with the bed, some of the ones who have been before, sneaked into that room and took some awful pictures on top of his bed. ...We were bad... haha. I also took a picture of Matt, sitting on the electric chair without Paul McLeod noticing. bahahaha. I havent gotten those developed yet, so I'll get them soon and post them up.
We ended up getting to out next destination, Gibson's, at maybe 3:45ish a.m. We were already falling behind schedule. We stayed there for awhile, and you could tell people were getting tired.
Next, we arrived at Amanda's for Family Guy around 5ish. We watched two episodes and the sun arose. Most people here fell asleep, aside from Me, Amanda, and a few others.
Cole's house was next and it was about 6 when we started Donnie Darko. We've all seen it numerous time, so we didnt feel bad about falling asleep during it.... though we heard some of our favorite quotes like "Go back to China, *****!" and "Chut up!" "Porky Pig, I hope you get molested!" So we all fell asleep and slept for about 2 hours.
At around 9:30ish, we went to IHOP for breakfast.
Then back to Cole's at 11 to just hang around. 3 of us took a shower at his house, before going to...
Lincoln's costume shop at 1:00ish we stayed there awhile, looking at and trying on some costumes.
We picked up our lunch at Abner's around 2 and ate our lunch at ECS like our outside lunch. We probably stayed there for an hour or so we were probably leaving at 3:15 - 30 ish.
We then stopped at some banks, because we needed to get cash before going to Jerry's Sno Cones. I had the Wedding Cake Supreme, and it was REALLY good, though I couldn't finish it all.
At our next destination, Emily's house, we arrived around 4:45 - 5:00. We talked for awhile as Emily tried finding a movie, they put in Tom and Huck, followed by our suicides. a.k.a. I really dislike that movie. So we stayed there until 6:30 which was our 24 hour marker.

so we made it. we got through 24 hours of just eachother. yes, people were def. becoming annoying. but we dealt with it and whatever. But we're all tired, even though we met again at 7:00 at Huffman's deli.

but i'm tired... and so yeah.

I'll get the pictures developed and post them somewhere.

JP

Tristesse Globale...

Röyksopp one of the most random groups, but a group that I've really come to enjoy, they're new album is called The Understanding, but I must say my favorite song of theirs is Poor Leno, from their album Melody A.M.

Well let's see, I just got back from the DMV with Cole and Emily. (amanda was supposed to come, but she was just "too tired".) Well we went to the express DMV at the Hickory Ridge Mall to get our license updated to get all the restricted stuff off it. If you ever want to see completely depressed people, go to the DMV at around 9, everyone looked pretty much dead and I think they hated us because we were actually talking and laughing. We were mostly laughing at Stewie and his "Sexy Parties"


So anyway, I got my updated license so now I can drive late... legally now, so it's good.

I was supposed to get my meningitis immunization, but my mom forgot the detail that it cost $85. Actually, she told me it cost $20, she had confused it with another shot. But, so this is the 3rd time I've been down there and I have yet to get my shot.

I've been really tired today and I've been taking naps every chance I get, there's no way i'd make it through tomorrow's 24 hour safari without completely dieing for a little while... but that's what the movie times are for :)

anyways, I am incoherently typing this right now, just woke up from a nap, and so i'm going to stop before i say something offensive or mean like, I hope you all die and burn by a vengeance like none other, originating from the inner workings of my mind.

phew... good thing i'm keeping THAT to myself.

JP

11 days...

...and counting till school starts!

I'm excited and I can't wait to be down there in Tuscaloosa. My parents, on the otherhand, are not overwhelmingly excited. They --they could be any less excited. My mom's been holding back tears almost everyday and I must say that almost makes me want to leave even more.

I just want to get to the point where they're comfortable with me being far away because then I wont have to worry about their mental health or blood pressure shooting up every top-of-the-hour.

I got a pretty nice (also pretty cheap) printer/scanner at HP, so I'll be able to keep up drawing and whatever in college so i'm happy. For my dormroom, I just purchased some posters from Art.com. These are three that I got: (click on any of these for a bigger picture.)



I was going to buy a Donnie Darko one, but it's pretty much a plain black poster, and I'm trying to make my room a little bit... not so dark... so these were some of the best I could find. I'm still looking for some other posters though... possibly maybe No Doubt? Dashboard Confessional? Radiohead? Keane?

I dont know, there's just so much to do before I go, like slaughtering the city of memphis, I dont know if I can even fit that into my schedule anymore! Oh well, maybe i'll replace that with visiting a nursing home - that always makes me happy... seeing them fall anyways! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA
oh sidenote: did you know that most people say "She fell and broke her hip." when in all actuality, they fall because they broke their hip while standing. My bro learned it in a medical class. Yeah, he's a dentist, but he learned it in one of his other classes.

well anyways i think i can check this off my list:

Wrote in Blog: Complete
Informed People about what's going on in my mind: Complete
Picture in post?: Yes, Complete
Said Something Completely Offensive: Complete

yup looks like I got everything. Well later
JP

P.S. My teeth don't hurt anymore! What was hurting was the back part of my gums, they were stretching a bit and well it's fine now, SCREW THE DENTIST!

Ow...

...that hurts.

You know what is a painful experience? Not getting your wisdom teeth taken out. You may be asking yourself, "Now, how can that be?" Well let me tell you, for the past ... 3 or 4 days my wisdom teeth have been coming out full force. I feel like I'm teething all over again. It's been tough opening my mouth really wide just because it stretches out my gums a little bit more and my teeth just scream for help.

"So then, why not go to a dentist?" Well, my friend, that is because I just know if I do they'll want to take it out! ...and I can't have that. I won't stand for it! I will suffer and endure this pain! That's why!

Random: I got a PS2... exciting, no? haha, I know i'm behind the times by like 3 years, but that just means I'm getting the games I want for so much less. Well i'm happy, definitely distracts me. Well anyways, I should be going, it's about time for my mom to start crying about college again. later.

Can I tell you...

how excited I am for starting school in the fall?

After coming back from orientation, I have crimson blood pumping through my veins. I cannot really explain to you how excited I am... so i'm going to ramble on.

Well, I was one of the few who stayed the extra night before orientation actually started. There was no way I was going to wake up at 1am to then go driving so I could make it to orientation. I can't tell you how glad I am I did that. I got to meet a lot of the avantis and they are all really cool. So they provide extra laughs which was good. Another plus was that night I met Brian Dye (born in Germantown, TN, raised in Atlanta) and Amy Wallace (from MD). They were pretty much the main people I hung out with during orientation. They are both a lot of fun and we all hit it off pretty well. So next morning, while people are introducing each other, we were already having a blast. We end up getting split up in the chaos of it all, so I went and made my Action Card... bahahaha I look completely high in my picture. I'll eventually get it changed, but if I ever need a good laugh I can whip that out.
So Next I had the first Avanti group meeting. My leaders were Stephen Speihler and Marybeth Everett. Our leaders were fun and our group seemed really cool so I was pretty happy.
Ok so the meetings in general were pretty boring and at the time I was listening they were stressing. They were stressing because they just made me thinking about something that I hadn't yet thought of.
At the Ferg"uson Center Food Court", the lunch was amazing. Let me tell you all who are jealous, yes, our eating place is much better than yours. :) I had pizza and it was great, amazing, if you will. We have a Chik-fil-a in there and several other places that are good.
Soon after I met the fourth member of our team, Jaci Moltz (from Tuscaloosa area). She's really cool and after several other meetings I went to, she took us around Tuscaloosa and we ate at McCalisters. We made it back in time to get to the next activity.
Ah, the next activity, fun and yet def. brought some awkwardness towards me. So to the Rec Center's outdoor pool we went. So the other three went to the pool, while I mingled with some of the Avantis and peers. I met some of the people I was told I had to meet because they were involved with BCM; like Michael Mabry, Andrew Hester, and Kaylie Patrick. I met Tyler Keenum who'll be an RA at P-A which is where I'm staying. I met Maria Franco- no relation. I could name them all but you'd get bored, just check my Facebook friends. Talked to a lot of my peers while eating some snow cones; some of them nice, some of them not so nice. But whatever, I'll have time to talk to them later.
That night, Amy, Brian, and I got hungry, so we found two other girls to split some Jimmy John's subs with us. We ordered a #2, #5, #8. ... and we didnt know what we were ordering... just random numbers... the #5 was really good though... and so we ended the night by watching Family Guy/Futurama.

Next day, things went by really quickly. With watching the Avanti's do skits, like Tony's impression of Napoleon Dynamite to planning my fall schedule, things were just going by fast.
Things were getting kinda sad. I knew I would see these people when Fall starts, but I mean, I dont know, I got attatched pretty quickly. I love the place what can I say.
So the day was wrapping up and the four of us knew it'd be a while till we saw each other again...
so we sent a note to Brian and the four of us met in the Lounge room in Blount one last time. But heck we're excited, we've already got a sushi night planned and we just plain rock. But I got to meet another avanti while in there, and probably by far one of the coolest/nicest, Jacob Summers. He's a cool guy, so don't miss out, you should meet him.

well that concluded my orientation, and like I hope to have to established - I can't wait for this to begin.

JP

Blogger is being a total...

Blogger is being a total pain in my Hispanic butt.
I used to be able to post directly to my server and everything would be all nice and chipper in would go under my domain name.

But no! now it's being stupid... and i've been trying to fix this... really i have for the past several months... i mean my last post was ....

MAY 03.

Well you know what...

CRAP ON YOU BLOGGER. I CRAP ON YOU.

oh and so this post has anything meaning at all... here's a quiz!


~*~Result nr 8~*~


Your power is: Extreme healing powers

Explanation: When injured your body
focuses on the wound and heals rapidly, within
a few seconds. This makes you pretty much hard
to kill and you can help people in danger using
yourself as a shield. Almost anything is
possible in combat but you prefer looking after
others. In bad purposes you can do the same as
above but for evil intentions.
This power fits you pretty good since you want
to help those around you, and when you are
pretty much unstopable, that's not an obsticle.
You are caring and nurturing and are more a
pascifist. Even if you know there are much
unfairness in the world you still chose to see
from a positive angle because you belive in the
good of this world. You are probably friendly
and have a soft spot for people who are not
accepted. Though to others you come of as naive
and gullible. You could be taken advantagde of
if the wrong person comes around. Even if you
could be seen as pure, you are not that
completely since you're human and make mistakes
too.

Negative aspects: If your naiveness has
been making you blind for too long you could go
into dark thinking.

What Power is Compatible With You?
brought to you by Quizilla

And I Don't Know Why...

So little time

Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

Ah, to everyone who doesnt know, that would be a Keane song. If you dont know who Keane is... you should get to hear them soon.

>>Big post because it's been such a long time since my last. :)

So many moods at the same time. Good news, bad news... that has been my life since I last posted. April 24, my parents bought me a used acura something to replace my over-heating mazda. On that wednesday someone backed into it. I wasnt in it, so it was a little funnier. My great grandmother died several weeks ago, she was hooked onto a bunch of machines so i'm glad she's at rest now, even though her death was pretty gruesome. School is ending, that's good. I wont be able to see a lot of people for awhile, and i'm going to miss them, but i'm glad i'll have some space between some people. And it brings me to a thought I've had in my head for awhile...

In the world, some people bring me shame in the fact that we are of the same species. It's a great challenge to slander the name of a being that is as low as we are. People can be so stupid sometimes... just so careless when it comes to dealing with others and their emotions. It almost seems as though they go about living their lives feeding on the discomfort and destruction of others emotions. And it makes me sick. To top it off, there are many times when I have ignored my emotions to laughed at jokes to be agreeable and "accepted". And like-wise there are times when I have ingnored my feelings to make others laugh and just feel a private sting of truthful discomfort.

"I'm such an incredibly, stupidly sensitive person that everything that happens to me, I experience it really intensely. I feel everything very deeply."
-Fiona Apple

I think this quote describes me very well. Pretty much anyone [or anyone who i talk privately to] could tell you that I have a lot of emotions and I experience each of them in such short periods of time. My emotions are kind of like a fireworks display, there are big bursts and then they fade followed by other bigger bursts and then those fade, etc. I can see how people don't like those that live like that. For the most part I run off my emotions, it's how I process information, how I respond to other people and what they say. Yeah, sometimes it hurts, i sometimes take things literally even when i laugh. ...

It's like they say, "truth is often spoken in jest." How do i know when you are joking and when you're really trying to convey something you don't like about be?

This or...

Appologies to have yet written about the Cruise, however, I'm going to write about something more recent while it is still fresh in my mind.

Last night & morning was the bellevue junior senior banquet. I went with Hannah Foster and it was a lot of fun.

Well the night really started off at one of the other girl's house. It was our whole table that was there taking pictures. The parents there were insane with the camera, i now know how people deal with me. :) After being there for almost an hour we went to Bellevue. We walked around for a while and went to the courtyard. They served some punch and etc. there and people talked until Phil Newb came and told everyone to go to the dining room.
So we began eating, the food wasnt so bad at all, which i was somewhat surprised. The entertainment was teh suck. It made me forget that I was at J/S Banquet and not at a Honoring Phil Newberry Night. There were so many brown-nosers who talked about Phil that was just SO BORING. So while they spoke I got my tea and put packets of lemon juice and sweeteners in there just for fun.
Our tabled changed into our normal clothes and Katie Mosier's house to hang out for a bit and we went to starbuck's. We hung out in the parking lot throwing frisbees and tennis balls until we kicked out by security which was fine because we needed to go back to Bellevue. It was almost 11:30 and the buses going to Jillians were going to leave.
We arrive at Jillians and are escorted to the bowling center they have on the bottom floor. We played bowling for about 2 hours about 2 games. I got second place the 1st game, and i didnt see what i made the second, but i'm sure it was a lot worse. By the first quarter of the 2nd game i was already getting bored, luckily they made ready the arcade on the 3rd floor for us by that time. So we went up and played around. They gave us these cards that have thousands of credits on it and that was cool. We werent supposed to keep the tickets we got but we stowed them away in Hannah's purse and kept them. >< bwahaha. I probably have 300-400 tickets in my car haha.
Getting bored again after awhile we went to the 2nd floor to wait for a pool table to free up so we could play, but we got bored of waiting so Hannah, Leah, and I went to the bowling floor and were just going to chat. Well we ended up losing Leah and so Hannah and I just sat down and started talking. We started playing "Either this or that". The game where you have to choose which you'd rather be or situational things.. We moved to the middle floor during the game and sat down at some couches. we played that from 3am to about 6:30 am when we got back at Bellevue. haha. we're hardcore players. Here are some of the highlights: (if you want you can leave comments answering these)

Jew or Gentile
Mental Retardation or Condemned to Hell - (a comment that came out of that was: "Same thing." LOL)
Public Humiliation or Private Depression
If you were found guilty for something you didnt do, would you rather get a life sentence or a death sentence?
Rather be killed smart or live dumb?
Having no friends or Having fake friends?
Live with feeding tube or Be dead?
Emotional or No Emotions?
No friends or Being raped?
Hating a job you're respected for or Loving a job that noone respects?
Numb body or numb emotions?
No arm or no leg?
No hand or no foot?
Deaf or Blind?
Colorblind or Hearing impaired?

I've forgotten a lot of them but trust me there were a ton as we went on for about 3 hours. All in all it was a LOT of fun but yet so tiring. I just got tired thinking about it. well anyways i'll leave you with this:



The Parking Lot Tram: The uncredited workhorse of
the Disneyland resort. You take visitors from
the largest parking lot on earth to the front
door of Disneyland and back again. You aren't
the picture of glamour and most wouldn't even
think you provide any sort of excitment, but
without you no fun could be had at all. You
don't mean to, but you seem often sour. You
get little respect and sometimes get losts of
scorn, but yet you are faithful and eager to
please. People need you and you need them.
Your simpleness is the perfect backdrop to
showcase the eager smiles of children riding
you for their first time to the Happiest Place
on Earth.

What Disneyland attraction are you?

great... i'm boring.

no i promise i'm going to...

...write a post about the cruise. i just have been uploading my 200+ pictures onto my computer as well as working on my website. i'll be writing one soon. as for now here's this:



Your label is the Nice girl/guy. You tend to care
for others over yourself. However, many people
appreciate your caring side and would rather
stick by you than hurt you. But, there is a
downside. Some tend to abuse your kindness and
take advantage of you. You always try to see
the good in everyone and try not to hate.
Also, you have sharp insight and a great
personality. Calm, serene, and understanding,
you make a worthy friend and a valuble ally to
people in need. Don't change your sweet
nature, your constant being-there can save a
life.

I suggest your go into a field that
centers around working with others such as a
doctor, baby-sitter, psychologist, lifeguard,
or Teacher. If none of these occupations
interest you, it is okay then. I am sure that
there are plenty of oppertunities out there for
you.


What type of teenager are you?

you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit
brutal.


which happy bunny are you?

>>slightly contradicting? yeah i think so... hahaa

please pray. no seriously...

I will be on the cruise, we leave school at 7 on Sunday Morning, for those who do not now, i'm terrified of water and am just a little worried. However not just of the water am I worried but of being with people i might not necessarily want to be with.

please pray for me! I'll be writing down my journals on the trip and will type them up when I get back.

I'll see ya! T_T

JP

So why don't we go...

[Listening to: Keane - Hopes and Fears - 01 Somewhere Only We Know]

So anyways, i've only a few hours left and I will soon be able to eat. So let me recap the rest of this day.

Well after I left my last blog entry, I went to help out at the Jeans and Jewels Gala Auction at Woodland Hills. They were pretty much done when I got there ^^; but we decided to play Bigger or Better. For those that don't know, the games is where teams start off with small objects and go around to houses and find bigger or better objects that the family doesnt want anymore. The teams were Grant, Katie Holden, Brandall, and me against Houston, JT Dawson, and Jake. We decided to go into the same huge, rich neighborhood. Rocky Point? maybe.... i think that's it. We were given 2 hours and we'd meet back at Woodland Hills. So let me tell you what are team did.
Well, we delegated Katie as our spokeswoman because we thought houses would probably listen to a girl before 3 guys. We first decided to visit Laura Smith since she lived in the neighborhood. We started off with a danish and asked her if she had anything bigger or better, she gave us a unopened water gun. We drove down her street and ended at a nice house. The lady who opened the door was SO nice. She gave us this art piece of a girl and some bunnies in a field... or was it a forest... i dont remember. ANYWAYS, we stopped at our next house to find a younger couple who had this somewhat broken yellow 70's lamp that they didnt want, they didnt want the picture either, so they just gave us the lamp. On our way out, we see the other team, aka Team LOSER, trying to take Grants car and take purses, camera bags, etc. We gave them the picture in trade of our stuff. What losers, heh. So we took our lamp to several places pretty much being turned down left and right. We got a call from the team saying that they already won and that they had some cool stuff. Well, we kept on going and we ended up at this house that was answered by two teenagers. I think they were both freshman, one from CBHS and the other from Cordova. After a bit of chit chat the kid had said there was a couch they didnt want but he would need to call his mom. He comes back and says he couldnt get him mom. We tested out the lamp in front of them so they saw it worked. Well we gave them Katie's cell number to the kids so they could call us if they reached their mom. Well... time passed by like no body's business. We still hadnt traded the lamp. Well we get a call from the kids with time running close to 1:15. The mother said we could have the couch, it seems the kid really liked the lamp. To make a long story short (too late) we had to break the legs of the chair, and we fit it in a suburban that the lady had. We drove it to Woodland Hills and showed the other team what we got. We definitely won, they had some random items, (steering collumn, skiis, etc) but we won. The lady took the couch because the friend (the cordova student) wanted it for his room, and since we were just going to chunk it we let him have it.
We hung out at Woodland hills for a minute before splitting up. We took a lot of pictures so i'll post them eventually when I get the developed.

So I got home and took a nap until about 5:30 where I called Jordan to see if he wanted to do anything tonight. He's at work and he'll call me later, which is where the story will pick up later.

so until next time.
JP

So Hungry...

As some of you probably know, I'm doing the 30 hour famine. This means that I havent eaten anything since 5:00pm on Friday and it will end at 11 tonight.
Friday at 5 we met in the gym lobby to tell everyone the plan and then to pray. We went our seperate ways, but most of the faminers were going to meet at the Cordova Skating Rink. Let me tell you I fell about 10 times, plus i was the slowest person in the rink. And the kids there are evil, talented... but evil. they would pretty much skate circles around me... >_< but oh well. And most of the girls there are WHORES. Well anyways the Faminers that went were me, Grant, Cole, Houston, Brandall, Jake, Katie, Stephanie, Sarah, Chloe, and Caroline. We ran into a whole bunch of people there like Laura, Lauren, and Abby, the wiley brothers, etc. The last time I was skating I was pretty much clenching onto Sarah, however when we did that we had a fall count of: 0, so i think that was a good idea. Afterwards we all split up and the guys went to Grant's house. We had fun, but I had to get out so at around 11 i went to go get some apple juice from Walmart. Man, was it tempting in there. There was so much bread and... ::licks lips:: but i didnt eat anything... so i'm still going on strong.
I should be helping them right now at Woodland Hills, but I came back home for awhile. I'll be taking a shower soon too.

+However I had sometime to think at Grant's house, and I've decided (if i wasnt sure enough earlier) that I cannot wait for this year to be over.
I shall leave you for now with the message that the fortune cookie that sits atop my moniter says, "The time is right to make new friends."

later

It has been so long...

...since i've felt at rest.

I dont know about you, but i have been so tired lately. School has been so boring and it has felt so drawn out that I just cant wait for it to end. At the beginning of the year I was going to make this a good year. I was going to befriend a whole bunch of people i didnt know and just have a good time and things would be great. Now at the end of the year, I just really dont care. I dont care about school, and I seem to be slipping away/slowly just backing off of my friends. As sad as that just may be. There are probably only 2 or even maybe 3 people i want to be with. And those few really dont want to be with me. The others, I just dont really feel close to them, and I know that when I'm off at college things will be hard trying to keep up friendships while either I or they are away. I can barely keep friendships while people are at arms length, distance will only make it worse.

Thinking about the cruise, I think it might be a bad idea for me to go, too bad it's too late to pull out. I've just realized that i'm going to be spending my whole spring break with my class for a good 7 days. I might go insane.
A) I can't swim.
B) I really dont want to be stuck with these people for that long.
C) I'm going to be so bored.
Oh, dear God, what have I gotten myself into. T_T

On a lighter note, thanks to Hannah and Lindsey for writing on my car at school the other day! That def. made my day. Here are some pictures:

Hannah's message:

Lindsey's message:

well I might just go crazy as I have already died inside... have a good day!

Have you ever...

Have you ever been disappointed in someone... yeah...

Back Tracking...

February 14, 2005

Let's see... I hate Saint Valentines Day. A day where we commemorate love for another, well, the problem is that i dont really feel much love coming this way. That is not just concerning relationships of exclusiviness (a.k.a. dating). How do you celebrate love with just friends if that love feels pretty ones-sided. I dont know, you decide.

I've come up with a conclusion concerning dating. Why should I date when I can barely keep friends? It doenst make sense to pollute the dating scene like that. Plus, most of the girls I like, i'm pretty sure they don't like me or i think we may disagree on some key issues of mine. But that's ok, I'll probably die alone at the old age of 20.

Also, everyone is having a bad day. There are too many sour moods at school. I claimed mine first, so I am def. keeping mine. Everyone else can actually work on fixing their problems.

February 15, 2005
Nothing really happened except I died a little inside.

February 16, 2005

Oh yay, a half-day. Probably the longest half-day of school EVER. The MS Choir concert went alright, I got a 10/10 at the concert i'm 1 out of 22 people who did. 6 of those 22 were girls. Weird numbers i think anyways. "Steal Away" has to be one of the greatest songs, it's so soothing. After school I went to Johnny's Pizza. The food was good, but the mood so weird, everyone was so high strung. Moods and PMS's were flying everywhere. it was bad. Oh well.

I talked to Hannah Foster at like 12:something A.M. (so really it was the 17th, DEAL) We talk about a lot of things, sharing the same feelings about a lot of things. It was cool.

I also talked to someone else, but you will probably hear about that later... O_O. sometime after this weekend.

** we are counting down the days It leaves... things are moving SOO slow... T_T sigh.

i'm out. let's see if I can go to sleep. ::shrug::

Oh, things were...

... so much better.

Let me tell you what has been going on. Two weeks has passed since my life began to end. My cousin... or well my mom's cousin's daughter (whatever that makes her out to be)... arrived to stay with us for 4 weeks. And let me tell you so far, it has not been good. I've been taking her to school each day because she is listening to classes in the 8th grade, she is supposedly trying to learn english.

Monday
The first monday of when she arrived I took her to school and I thought that things would be ok. I had Choir practice right after school so I dropped her off at the house before I left. Well, it seems that while I was out singing my heart out, It somehow got gum all over my dog. ... my precious dog. When I got home I realized that my dog, Sushi, looked a bit different, it had some stuff around it's face. I looked a bit closer and it was gum... I almost died. This can not be happening. I went and took her to my parents bathroom where I locked myself in and started to cut off the gum which took me 30+ minutes. The gum was located around Sushi's mouth which somewhat restricted her mouth from opening. I was so mad. She had also been on my computer for 5 hours, and let it be known to those that do not know, I am HIGHLY protective of my computer. Things are starting off on the wrong foot.

::For the sake of space I shall stop dividing things up by the days::

Ok let's see, in two days It leaves about 5+ water bottles around the house all of which have only been used about 1/4 of the way through. It has left candy wrappers and trash everywhere.
Before my mom went to work, she told It "Do not open the door, I'm putting on the alarm". My mom calls me from work, during my drama practice, "Can you leave and go to the house?, she has set off the alarm." I told her I was going to stay at practice, there's no way I want to deal with this. I find out later that It had opened the door (for some still unknown reason). We could not reach her because the phone had been left on, which means the alarm company could not reach us. The police had come to our house and It had to explain to them what had happened.
One day after school, It left to a friends house without telling us. My mom was waiting from a phone call from It so my mom knew it was ok for her to go over. Well, It never called. >_<
It is still leaving bottles and trash everywhere.
It disobeys us and ignores us if we tell her to do something.

I might just die.

Apparently my parents and It are going to Birmingham on the 18th right after my parents get back from work, which means i'll be It free all weekend...

Oh, yeah... I've lost 3 online college applications, (2 from the same college) since It has begun to use my computer.

Well I'm out...

I am red...

Apparently I am red...


You are the color red. You are the most
controversial of all the colors. You are often
easily angered, but as easily as you got
excited, you come down. When angered, do you
have the tendency to be malicious? Afterwards,
do you end up begging for forgiveness? Maybe.
But you're incredibly generous, and, odd
enough, needy. You love to hate, and
sometimes, you hate to love. This color
describes you as generally edgy. When in a bad
situation, you're pessimistic, and when you're
in a good situation, you're extremely
optimistic. You're painfully tempermental, and
sometimes it hurts the ones you love. But with
an exciting and stimulating attitude, you enjoy
talking to people and being social. But aside
from your bold and outgoing attitude, you're
attention-needing and attention-getting. This
color is associated with lust and desire--and
you are both lust and desirous. You're a
protective person when it comes to the people
you love. You're incredibly sharp-witted and
powerful (not to mention intelligent!).


What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

To a new start....

I am starting a new website and with it a new blog. I hope that this works and that it would be enjoyed by all.