not about love...

this is not about love
cause i am not in love
in fact, i can't stop falling out

Ok, something that seems to be the flavor of the week is the topic about how I do not appreciate displaying affection in any form. Now before you ask, yes, my parents did hug me as a child. Something that is not being taken in to account is that unlike everyone else, love/romance/dating has never been a priority of mine at all. This isn't different for me, i've always been this way. I dont need to be "cured" - this is not a disease.

To clear up any misunderstandings:
1. I'm not looking for love.
2. I'm not looking to get married.
(and before you ask questions...)
3. I'm def. not looking to have children. dont like 'em. dont want 'em.

Now, i can be perfectly honest and say that of course I have given thought to asking a few girls out... not once have i regretted not asking them out. I can be perfectly honest and say that after waiting I realized how much we would have clashed, how much things wouldnt have worked out. I mean, I'm glad i'm friends with them... but it really wouldnt have worked out. I require certain things from any potentials and if they're not met... I have no reason to settle.

Also, something that is getting around is that I dont like PDA. Yeah, I dont like it. I mean, as much as I love watching other people "in love" getting close to each other with various touchings, I dont. Hell, i'm happy for ya'll, glad things are going just swell... and I dont really mind the little stuff like hugging, really i dont mind... but i really dont want to see couples going at it. Go get a room, i find your groping and kissing obnoxious, keep it in private.

If "love" comes for me, if anything is supposed to happen... then it'll need to find me. God may have someone in stored for me - then again He may not, and i'm ok with that.

And though this is getting a little bit too personal on my part, if I start going out with some girl, I'm not kissing her probably months after we start. Yeah, I get weird looks about that, probably like the one you have now reading this. But you know, that's a personal decision of mine. I dont want to just give myself away... I want to make sure it's for the "one"... if there is a "one" in God's plan for me. If someone was to forcefully steal this from me, i can promise you - First, you are not, or no longer, my friend. Second, I'm going to do all i can to make your life a living hell for you. Third, you will soon despise me.

I've sat here and debated whether to tell you some of my requirements for the girl - things which could not be debated over. And I decided, i'll just open your minds just a tad...
ichi. of course, she's got to be a Christian. I want her to be able to discuss with me about Christianity - in other words, a strong Christian.
ni. she cant be a smoker. in fact, she cant have ever smoked. you may think, "how petty." Well then you probably dont know how much of an anti-smoker I am. I think it's disgusting - not to mention stupid. To clarify, I mean smoking or tobacco products of any kind - cigarette, cigar, pipes, hookah... i dont care, the answer is no. I dont want to be sharing lips with any cheap, tar-mouthed ho-bag.
san. she cant be a drinker. sorry, if that just bursts another bubble, but i've made a vow not to drink any alcohol - wine or otherwise. it just really wouldn't work out for me, sorry. I kick it sober. my girl's got to be with me on that one.
yon. hopefully this was obvious, but just in case, no drugs. I've dealt with people who were addicts and so no, not my scene.
go. independent. I give an automatic "no" to high maintenance girls. I dont want the girl to be clinging on to me for life support, i need some space. I mean she doesnt need to be completely independent, but i'm nobody's iron lung.

I have more requirements, but i'm going to keep those to myself, cant have you knowing everything about me... that and i'm tired...

so i hope this has been an educational moment for everyone as it sure has been a pleasure for me.

tonight the sky is painted melancholy...

I see the world in a swirl of hues,
but my favorite color is shame...

01. i write sins, not tragedies
I dont know... but it seems that some of you have this preconceived notion that i'm some sort of perfect being or untarnished person, that i must fulfill some requirement that you have setup in this world of yours.

Well, allow me to relieve this by expressing to you how much i dont have to live up to your standards.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm fallen... that i'm a wretched, sinful monster. I am not quite sure if a happy face, smile, and trying to be nice leaves a different impression... Yes, I lie... and sometimes I'll lie straight to your face. I'm not proud of that, but I will.

I also possess the ability to competely annoy people (i've been told I do this like a pro.) And you know what? I'm not going to know, if you dont tell me. So just come up to me and tell me if you have a problem with me... yes, i'll be embarrassed... yes, it may be awkward... but you know what? I might just do my best to make things right. However I might just tell you that you are a jerk and to get the hell away from me. roll the dice... take a chance. things usually will roll in your favor.

On the otherhand... setting up a plan for me and forcing me to change is not the way to make things right. It's obnoxious. I'm not here like a lump of clay for you to mold. I'm hard and rigid. If i'm going to change, the initative is going to come from me... if you want to help me, pray for me.

All that said, i have a tendency to just not go to class. I also am sure that, at this point, i cant fix the grades that I will have at the end of this semester. So all of you can just stop worrying about me. I appreciate the concern but enough's enough... I dont mind you expressing any worries to me, but after that... let me worry about it. I dont need you here pushing me. I am prepared to accept the repercussions i'll receive because of my actions... or non-actions, i guess.

I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and say that everything's working when everythings broken... but if you want to help me - pray... if you want to be oppressive and point out how wrong I am and tell me what I must do then... let me tell you:

if you notice something wrong about me - I'm probably way ahead of you.
if you want to tell me what I must do - I'll tell you where to shove it.

i'm serious, pray for me, it'll be for the best.

02. loose ends
I guess I should open some eyes a bit about the future.
Yes, I will be going to school at UA for fall 2006 - spring 2007.
Yes, I will be dropping the fraternity.
Yes, I will be going back to memphis for my third year.
No, I dont know if i'll be back.
sorry.

03. optimistic
I cant go on and not mention how much fun I had in the past couple of hours. I met up with Jordan, Paige, Megan, Devin, Brian, Zach, Laine, and... i forget his name at the crimson cafe. Well, I do believe we were going to first play a board game... but no... even better... we got to play hide and seek in the quad! it was an awesome time. A great way to end the night! We were all like, "i'm hiding" but two people are like "i'm seeking" and then we ran around and hid and sought... it was pretty awesome... I think we played maybe like 3 rounds or so... we're crazy... I'm not sure if playing hide and seek was ever in my view of college... but who cares!?! it was totally awesome.

Tonight the sky is painted melancholy
and the wind sings songs as if it would lament
some tragedy on the far side of the world.

drifting away like a feather in air...

What I am asking myself is where do I begin? I mean, really, so much has happened in the past few days.

Part 1: Fun, fun, fun till the tree took the sock away...
Well I suppose I should say that it began shortly after I finished having lunch with Jordan, Paige, Megan so-and-so, Megan's boyfriend, Elissa, some guy, Zach P., and Brian. Jordan, Brian, Zach, and I decided we were going to go hang out on the quad, but because of some conflicts we moved to another quad like area around between Manly and the art buildings. We rendezvoused with Mary Elizabeth and Laine under the tree we know to be "James I." We chatted for awhile, enjoying nature, until the first stone was cast! ok, actually it was a stick, i'm pretty sure it was Mary Elizabeth throwing it at me. But then of course more people got involved... and you know, boys will be boys, which means that it ended up with me trying to protect myself against Brian and Jordan. Let me tell you that sticks, shoes, and practically everything was thrown! Anyways, after being tickled to the ground aka being molested... Jordan decides he's going to throw my sock into the tree... like James really needed a sock... So after a few tries and me in agony, my sock gets stuck up in the tree. SADBEAR!

Everyone was in chaos! How were we going to rescue my sock???

Plan #1: THROW CRAP
What better way to get something down than throwing things at it, hoping that we hit it JUST right that we can get it back down. We threw sticks and shoes to get it down... smart right? no... it doesnt work, but atleast we did not get anything else stuck up there! Strike plan #1.

Plan #2: HUMAN PYRAMID
Let's see what else can we do... ah! human pyramid, of course! Well, the next idea was spurred by Valiant Knight, Zach Parker. If we could only get Zach high enough maybe he could reach the branch which is so high that the air pressure probably changes drastically, then maybe we could get the sock. So Jordan and Brian quickly stand next to each other ready to take hold of his feet as we decide we'll be able to get him high enough to reach a little nub sticking out of the tree. Soon off the ground and into the hands of Jordan and Brian, we realize it's not going to work as wrists were about to snap. Strike plan #2.

Now if there were only way to get him higher. Laine exclaims...

Plan #3: THE BIKE RACK
"Oh, what about that bike rack over there!" Over in the corner sits a bike rack, and it wasnt currently locked on to any bikes... so it was perfect for use! We lean it up against the tree, and as we spot the rack, Zach, our valiant knight, climbs to the top, fearless and determined! First we hand him a few long sticks/cudgels, but all that we tried just could not reach! We looked around as a few students and teachers gathered from Manly and looked on. One teacher approached with a large folded banner... perhaps we could use it like giant chopsticks! Brian operated the chopping motion while Zach directed, good team work! But alas, we almost seem to be pushing the sock further away... well, after a few more tries, we manage to bring it a bit closer, but the banner is too big and clumbsy that it's too hard to get it. We needed more precision so we went, searching for another branch. (Zach is still up, practically hugging the tree to avoid falling.) We finally have found the perfect sized stick, and with a few tries the sock is reached and thrown down. Hooray! hip hip hooray! We safely get Zach down as we rejoice that the sock has been retrieved!

The next few hours were spent relaxing, leg wrestling, laughing, chatting and having fun. As people left, Laine, Zach, and I were left to ourselves to play. We ate pizza and drank cream sodas on the steps of Gorgas Library. Zach again showed his valor and bravery as he fought off a ravenous, raging yellow jacket! Laine and I were amazed by his abilities! He also knew the perfect way to fold the pizza box to get it inside the cylindrical trash bin. What can't this kid do!

Part 2: The Cheese Weasel...
I hope you havent forgotten how this is taking place on April 3rd. Everyone knows April third is Cheese Weasel day. And what more do we want to do than spread Cheese Weasely goodness! Mary Elizabeth, Laine, Brian, Zach, Jordan (later) and I went to buy some cheese slices; we ended up buying bread and cheese cake for ourselves... but we were mainly thinking of the many lives we would be cheering. We bought 48 slices of those pre-wrapped american cheese things. We wrote many sayings on them such as; "make cheese not war," "Happy Cheese Weasel Day," "When life gives you milk - make cheese," etc. We slipped those cheese slices underneath the doors of people who lived in Riverside North, we also left some in elevators and on boards too. We celebrated after our victorious night by eating cheese cake and bread back at the house. It was an amazing day and a great night!

I doubt it could have been better.