Throw it all away...

I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth...
- Frou Frou, "Maddening Shroud"

At the moment, this quotation is a good summary of what i'm feeling right now. I'm really just getting tired of it all, not really finding the things in my life that are keeping me going. Though I know it's wrong to feel this way. I mean, I'm not saying that my feelings are not valid or something along those lines. Well actually I can't find a better way to say it. As a Christian i shouldnt feel this way just because I have Jesus in my life and what He's done for me is a reason enough to keep pushing to keep on going. It's just lately i've been more or less apathetic to everything around me. It's really my selfishness that's coming into play.

but anyways....

A world of grief and pain...

Ku no shaba ya - A world of grief and pain:
sakura ga sakeba - Flowers bloom;
saita tote - Even then ...
-Issa

Maybe Issa is right, but what he doesnt keep in mind is that some flowers wilt faster than others. Right now, I'm on a rollercoaster, at times things are great, things cant be better... but then there are times where i've hit my lowest lows and i'm just waiting for my cart to derail.

Everyone needs to check out ElliotT Davis, an awesome singer with a band of brothers, i've seen him twice in a short time span and i've enjoyed both shows double fold. I had an hour or two talking to him at the Crimson cafe and it was a great time. He's a good guy.

In other news, I'm living off my dining dollars/ meal plan, as for actual money i have $10 in coins and 1 actual dollar bill... it's quite entertaining, really. 5 of those dollars are going towards whenever's the next time I go to City Cafe in the morning. So im willing to use less than what I have.

Hate most of my classes, dont want to go to really to any of them. It's really in my mind to:
A. Runaway, leaving college and everything behind me.
B. Get a job, raise enough money to buy myself a top of the line Canon digital slr and become a missionary. Using my camera to log my travel and coming and showing them so people can sponsor my travel.
C. Get over my fear of heights and join the circus so I can become a trapeze artist.

I'm really thinking "B." is the choice i'm going to concentrate on. Really i think that college is not for me. Maybe the problem is that I have no desire to do much in life and so my lack of passion is just really not helping me get through college. And that I suck, let's not forget that.

Oh well, i may have done something right for a change, made a cool image for Elliott. We'll see if it's usable. Hope it is, cause if not... i'm probably gonna be mopey JP for awhile since I finally thought I could do something helpful. Though I found out I cant reproduce the same style again, just cause i suck. So I may be already dried up.

sigh...

This is just the prologue...

[this is actually being posted during April of the year 2006, however I realized I forgot to mention this...]

The girl i was supposed to go on a date with on the 21st stood me up.

Crimson regrets...

I have been told, "pain is beauty."
then by all means, this beauty I will create
I will release the wrist bound banshee
By becoming hollowed, sorrowed than full, elate

I will take metal to it's fair fetter
let her run down my arm
let her dance and make my vision blur
oh, the beauty that will come of this harm

She will caress my head and make it light
My body scarred by her sharp elegance
Midnight be white, no time darker than tonight
Fore i'll soon only live in remembrance.

Movement stilled, i'll wield a rasp;
With a tick and tock, flows a crimson sea.
You'll know when you hear the crowd agasp,
That they have found me gone with my beauty.

JP Franco, February 21, 2006
(if you steal this, I will kill you.)

I wander the halls along the walls...

Bad days, good days, never in between. If you are asking, today was a good day and ended with a great night. I got a somewhat date, I dont know if you would call it a date, but with me and my complete lack of experience, I think it resembles a date or atleast that's what the movies tell me. (If you could give it to me, it's atleast a mini-date.) I got to drink the coffee and watch Donnie Darko with some of my close friends. Tonight, I realized that I hate when I talk, because it feels as though I'm not really saying anything. Sometimes I will speak, and my perspective only seems to read puzzled or discontented glares. I suck at life, apparently.

To be honest, I am afraid. No, not of the date, of losing and being lost. Like I said, I was with close friends, I've said that a few times before in my not-so-happy past... and what happened those times? A few reading should know, that's assuming people will read this... for the rest of you, I have lost friends, one chose an addiction over me, the other left me because I was me (I suck at life, apparently.) And then I have lost some in between, mainly my fault, because I havent given proper attention to those who need it. Anyways, I am afraid. I am afraid that I am going to lose the friends I feel I've gotten close to.

When I get close, when I feel the most comfortable, that's when it ends. That's when it always has ended.

I dont want that to happen. not again, please God I ask of you.
I am afraid of going back to the way things were, many of you do not know... many of you would not be able to guess, and some of you would probably be sickened or pity me by it. Depression follows me and through my smile, i'm probably crying inside.

If you read this and wonder, ask me about my past, I will tell you, probably... but if i answer you, please dont go.

When i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget...

And that's how this idea was drilled into my head. Cause it's too important to stay the way it's been.

Well a new semester has begun and even though i would hate to admit it, as much as it pains me to even think of it... i've become my former self. I have lost motivation to do what I should, my grades, my school work, I dont even want to get it up for any of it.

I'm sitting right now at the Crimson Cafe, listening to my friends play the guitar as I try to get my thoughts together. A lot has happened, mainly things aggrivating and perplexing enough that makes me want to let my anger run seeping through my pores. However, there have been some blessings. It seems that I will be living in an apartment complex next year, the University Commons. It's gonna be good, it's gonna relieve the stress which comes from living in the fraternity house, an escape from having tolive with people i dont want to live with, free from the drama mongers. I will also be lving with and near some of my best friends down here.

Barrett came down to Memphis this past weekend. It was a blast, there was snow sticking to the ground, we were able to go to graceland too, it was a spectacle to behold. On a downside, Barrett did lose his phone when he fell outside trying to peg me with a snow ball... but right before we left memphis, a lady called and said she had found his phone. Apparently there's a Savannah that works at the Target pharmacy and her son comes and picks her up from work. She said she walked into her sons room, and sees that maybe he bought himself a new phone; he explains that he found it at target. Anyways, to make a long story short (too late), she is going to send his cell phone through the mail... we hope.

Valentine's day this past week, what a vile and horrible holiday, but this year... maybe not so bad. Looks like i'm going to have to start playing checkers at this cafe more often... :)

--Immerse yourself in love...