tonight the sky is painted melancholy...

I see the world in a swirl of hues,
but my favorite color is shame...

01. i write sins, not tragedies
I dont know... but it seems that some of you have this preconceived notion that i'm some sort of perfect being or untarnished person, that i must fulfill some requirement that you have setup in this world of yours.

Well, allow me to relieve this by expressing to you how much i dont have to live up to your standards.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm fallen... that i'm a wretched, sinful monster. I am not quite sure if a happy face, smile, and trying to be nice leaves a different impression... Yes, I lie... and sometimes I'll lie straight to your face. I'm not proud of that, but I will.

I also possess the ability to competely annoy people (i've been told I do this like a pro.) And you know what? I'm not going to know, if you dont tell me. So just come up to me and tell me if you have a problem with me... yes, i'll be embarrassed... yes, it may be awkward... but you know what? I might just do my best to make things right. However I might just tell you that you are a jerk and to get the hell away from me. roll the dice... take a chance. things usually will roll in your favor.

On the otherhand... setting up a plan for me and forcing me to change is not the way to make things right. It's obnoxious. I'm not here like a lump of clay for you to mold. I'm hard and rigid. If i'm going to change, the initative is going to come from me... if you want to help me, pray for me.

All that said, i have a tendency to just not go to class. I also am sure that, at this point, i cant fix the grades that I will have at the end of this semester. So all of you can just stop worrying about me. I appreciate the concern but enough's enough... I dont mind you expressing any worries to me, but after that... let me worry about it. I dont need you here pushing me. I am prepared to accept the repercussions i'll receive because of my actions... or non-actions, i guess.

I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and say that everything's working when everythings broken... but if you want to help me - pray... if you want to be oppressive and point out how wrong I am and tell me what I must do then... let me tell you:

if you notice something wrong about me - I'm probably way ahead of you.
if you want to tell me what I must do - I'll tell you where to shove it.

i'm serious, pray for me, it'll be for the best.

02. loose ends
I guess I should open some eyes a bit about the future.
Yes, I will be going to school at UA for fall 2006 - spring 2007.
Yes, I will be dropping the fraternity.
Yes, I will be going back to memphis for my third year.
No, I dont know if i'll be back.
sorry.

03. optimistic
I cant go on and not mention how much fun I had in the past couple of hours. I met up with Jordan, Paige, Megan, Devin, Brian, Zach, Laine, and... i forget his name at the crimson cafe. Well, I do believe we were going to first play a board game... but no... even better... we got to play hide and seek in the quad! it was an awesome time. A great way to end the night! We were all like, "i'm hiding" but two people are like "i'm seeking" and then we ran around and hid and sought... it was pretty awesome... I think we played maybe like 3 rounds or so... we're crazy... I'm not sure if playing hide and seek was ever in my view of college... but who cares!?! it was totally awesome.

Tonight the sky is painted melancholy
and the wind sings songs as if it would lament
some tragedy on the far side of the world.