I've Been Bleeding Well...

...from this old wound; cleaning it with salt, so it will still feel new.

[the following post is very emo, if you have no desire to know what's on my mind, do not read further.]

Well, pledging finally ended, I was initiated into ΛΣΦ this past Sunday. For those of you who havent been up to date and informed on JP College History, I have been pledging a Christian Fraternity here at UA, Lambda Sigma Phi.

Today has been a pretty sucky day. It seems that my grades are really starting to drop and I really dont know what to do about it. It seems as though i've gotten to a point where I've missed so many crucial days that I'm pretty much helpless trying to catch up. I might as well be in a deep, ominous well of college, trying to scrape myself up with no firm foundation. My Japanese teacher gave me back a quiz and told me to retake it, she pretty much told me that I did a horrendous job on it. And in all seriousness, these past couple of weeks, I have really been asking myself if I really have the ability to do any of this. I think I may be incapable of it all... school, friends, everything. I just suck.

I also had some issues the other day with my "yes meaning yes" and "my no meaning no". Apparently, I am that hard to believe that when I say I didnt do something, people just dont believe me.That whole thing was settled today, which makes me happy, because I didnt want this person to be mad at me. I dont really have that close of friends here at UA and I thought that I might finally have a few close friends now that I've been hanging around on a more personal level with some of my pledge brothers.

This settled fiasco leads me to wonder what people really think of me. It reminds me of an answer to one of the personal quizes I made... only 1 out of the 20 or so people who have taken that quiz have gotten the answer right to the last question. The answer is that I am always here for my friends, but apparently no one believes that, no one can see the love for my friends. How is that supposed to make me feel? Well, I'll tell you what I do feel, it makes me feel absolutely useless. What good am I if the people I love don't even know it. It's my fault because I'm obviously doing something wrong.

what can I possibly do to make you guys see?

i dont know...